Factory Reject Dildos 3 for $1
I won this blog in a truth telling contest
Keywords | Title View | Refer to a Friend |
Apocalypse Now, or Later, Whenever's Good for You
Posted:Jan 17, 2018 5:53 pm
Last Updated:Jan 17, 2018 6:44 pm

Cocktail recipe of the day - Great Old Fashioned

4 dashes Angostura bitters

1 tsp sweet , sweet sugar

1 Orange wheel

1 Maraschino cherry

1 splash Club soda

2 oz Bourbon

1 pod star anise

1 tbsp. black milk from its innumerable breasts Yibb-Tstll

When I think about which Animal Farm character I am (as we all often do) I used to always think that I was Boxer - faithful and hardworking but stupid . "Must work harder !" But lately I've started to realize that conclusion was vanity - I wanted to be seen as hard working and put upon . I see now that I'm most like Mr. Whymper . Sad but true .

The other day someone wisely counseled me "You shouldn't tell your boss that you don't do anything" to which I responded "Shut up damn it !" but what I should have said was that it was more important to me to tell the truth than to "get ahead" . Some people have accused me to having a perverse need to speak against my own interest which I find offensive . If my job is to advise what jobs should be eliminated and one of them is mine I'll say that - otherwise I'm no better than a dirty thief .

'Then why do you do it in your personal life 40 ?'

Shut up damn it !

I do often wonder about how people try to get ahead in the workplace - it all seems to gross and seedy . Clearly taking credit for someone else's works immoral but is it "wrong" ? People do it all the time ? What if your boss gives you credit for something you didn't do and you don't correct them ? Is that less wrong ? What if your boss says "Good work on the Johnson-Butthole merger" but you didn't work on that Carol did HOWEVER Carol doesn't work there anymore . Is that even less wrong ?

'40 just work hard and you'll be recognized eventually .'

I see no reason to believe that . I will now express my feelings my plagiarizing an article from Forbes .

It’s not about trying harder and being better. This is the mentality that many women and people of color get sucked into–if you just put in more effort, they’ll finally have to recognize and reward your excellence. Fair is fair, right?

What anyone who accepts this losing bargain fails to understand is that most of the time the job isn’t about the job. Your individual performance is only one piece of the puzzle and often doesn't influence the myriad impressions, biases, relationships, stereotypes and power dynamics that surround the job and dictate whether you'll be successful in it.

Doing more or doing better doesn’t yield the meritocratic reward you expect. Some people seem to intuitively understand the dynamics at play. While you work like a dog, they scheme up a way to get ahead that doesn’t depend on talent and hard work. They decide to disrupt the paradigm. It’s perhaps too reductive a reading to say this is a lesson in the differences between how men and women treat competition and advancement–women internalizing a perceived need to push themselves harder and men focusing on tipping external factors in their own favor­–but that line of thought does merit contemplation. There is a ceiling on how far you can go by following the rules. Decide the rules don’t apply or that you’re going to twist them to your benefit and suddenly possibilities–for better or worse–really open up.

If you give everything to your work and you will learn in a particularly hard way the lesson that many of us still struggle to accept; fair or not, you shouldn’t expect it to give you anything back.
Cock VS Pussy - Dawn of Justice
Posted:Jan 16, 2018 5:17 pm
Last Updated:Jan 17, 2018 6:45 pm
I thought about doing a poll asking if your frequency of masturbation effects your enjoyment of sex . But I didn't because unlike some people when I've d a poll like 4 people vote . Plus the answers to said question don't readily apply themselves in poll format .

I ask because after many months of abstaining I've been masturbating 2-3 times a week the past few weeks , which is a lot for me . And then this weekend when I was doing the deed (as no says anymore) I found my orgasms to be 28% more pleasurable than the baseline .

You'd think jerking off would make you less likely to enjoy sex though wouldn't you ? My BFF brought up something (from Dan Savage) that I had never though about before , which is that if you grip your junk tightly when you're pounding off it's going to make real life lady pussies seem weak and pathetic by comparison . Luckily I have a light touch - like a safecracker .

Conversely for reasons I can't quite articulate I feel like women would enjoy sex more the more they masturbate - although it's probably a bell curve . If you're rubbing the love nub 8 times a day I'm not sure sex is going to be that great .

Nobody ever asks me what I think about what I'm stroking it , well wonder no longer nobody because here's the breakdown .

50% of the time I'm watching porn and not thinking about anything - I've heard some men say when they watch porn and jerk off they imagine they're the dude in the action , which is why some of them can't get into lady on lady porn because "I don't know which I'm supposed to be" but when I'm watching porn I'm just watching people bang . I don't think about myself being involved .

20% of the time I'm thinking about of my One Night Stand Girls pals

20% of the time I'm thinking about an ex-GF (usually the same - although not the hot , the that was pretty into it , it being sex)

5% of the time I'm thinking about a co-worker or former co-worker

4% of the time I'm thinking about a celebrity , your Beyonces , Rhiannas , Nicki Minajs and so forth (interesting although I often use her as my go-to "hot lady" reference I've never though about Kate Upton , I wonder why ? )

1% of the time I'm thinking about some rando I saw out the world

time I masturbated after hearing a story on the news about a woman who got stuck naked upside down on a roller coaster . Not sure why . But I did .

Today there were some plumbing issues at work and the only stall working was the handicap stall . First of all let me ask you this , if all the other stalls are taken will you use the handicap stall or will you wait ? I never thought that was a big deal until day a dude gave me a lecture about it . I just took a dump dude don't talk to me . It seems different from parking in a handicap spot to me but I can't say why .

Anyway my main point is that sitting in there I realized that there is NO WAY I would have the upper body strength to hoist myself out of a wheelchair and onto the toilet . I'm sure over time your upper body strength gets better if you're in a wheelchair but A - I don't know if I would ever get there because my core has never been strong and my shoulder and is messed up B - how long would it take to build up that strength ? Seems like it would months at least . And that whole time some has to you use the bathroom ?

I always thought that if I opened up the door day and the Joker was there to shoot me in the spine ala Barbara Gordon and I was in a wheelchair thereafter I would be back at work pretty soon , but clearly that's not the case .

Speaking of , some yokel was trying to say that the Barbara Gordon Batgirl could defeat the Cassandra Cain Batgirl in a fight - he was soundly humiliated because every knows that Cassandra Cain Batgirl would annihilate Barbara Gordon Batgirl . Babs was a better Batgirl and a better person but in a fight she couldn't lay a hand on Cassandra Cain .

I mean Cassandra Cain can take on Sandra Wu-San with some hope of success Barbara Gordon can take down your average mook but she's no match for even Parry Franceo level fighters .

It's a bummer that the only Batgirl we ever got to see in the movies was Alicia Silverst in the wretched Batman & Robin . I'm hopeful that since we're in of the cyclical periods where people are pretending to care about roles for female actors and it's coinciding with a comic movie boom (although we're about to reach overexposure on that if we haven't already) with that a Batgirl movie will be forthcoming . I almost said something horrible there but I didn't . But I'm mentioning that I had the thought so you know what kind of asshole you're dealing with .

While we're on the subject in the current comic book reboot of the Bat-verse Batman and Barbara Gordon Batgirl had sex ! It was outrageous . I've arcely been more appalled in all my life .

I can accept the recent trend of having Superman and Wonder Woman bang all the time after Lois Lane gets gruesomely murdered but the Batman and Batgirl ? That dog won't hunt monsignors . For shame comic books , for shame .

And finally , this . If you were cleaning out a hotel room and you found some delicious BBQ in the refrigerator would you think about eating it or would you assume the people that left it behind had jizzed all over it as a joke hoping some would eat it ? I'd be tempted but I'd be worried about the jizz .

My old workplace didn't have a lot to recommend it but it was a fertile ground for the social iences . time as a test I put out some cookies I made in a neutral area with no explanation , making sure no saw me . Many people approached the cookies and looked around and asked "who brought these" but without any information hardly any eat , even though they clearly wanted to . I think only 2 cookies were g at the end of the day .

A few months later I did the same thing but I put a sign that said "Free poison cookies" and by noon they had all been eaten .

Not sure what they means but it's a result .
Corpse Grinders 4 - The Grindening
Posted:Jan 15, 2018 11:12 am
Last Updated:Jan 16, 2018 4:38 pm
The other night my best friend and I were laying nude in bed flipping through the channels on the TV and she asked me to stop on some cheesy old horror movie . We saw maybe the last 10 minutes . A dude got ground up , a chesty lady got groped and her shirt ripped off , a bunch of dudes go shot , and there was a hilariously bad death scene . The end . Credit's roll and the title of the film is the Corpse Grinders .

Of course I have to know more so to the internet ! First thing you learn just from the search is that there's a Corpse Grinders 2 . Anyway the plot of the Corpse Grinders is that a family own cat food company is in financial trouble , oh no ! But don't worry they have a plan to cut costs - stealing bodies from the nearby mortuary and grinding them up for cat food . Problem solved , whew ! But oh no again , more problems ! Now all the cats in town have a taste for human flesh and they start killing people . Somehow this is tracked back to the factory and the shirt ripping and horrible "action" scenes can begin .

I'm not sure what happens exactly in Corpse Grinders 2 but there's cat-people aliens that come down to get the good cat food . So I was going to title this blog Corpse Grinders 3 for laughs BUT the joke was on me because there was also a Corpse Grinders 3 for real . I couldn't find any information about the plot but it's listed as comedy instead of horror so clearly they become more realistic .

I learned two things having nude pictures taken this weekend - one back is covered with moles . Secondly maybe I have lost some weight .

People have been complaining that all I talk about is James Bond movies now so I will bow to public pressure and instead talk about James Bond official movie posters .

Starting with Dr. No . It sucks . But if you have an original in good condition you can sell it for twenty THOUSAND dollars . Which is interesting because Revenge of the Jedi posters which are supposed to be so rare and valuable only sell for 4 grand in good condition . I wonder if Dr. No is just more rare being 20 years older or what .

One correction , I think I said that Dr. No came out in 64 , it was 62 . My bad .

Since that post sucks I'm going to instead include the poster Robert McGinnis wanted to use for Thunderball ;

For some strange reason the movie studio wasn't down with this . So he did another version where the women had bikini bottoms on but were still topless . And yet the studio STILL wasn't satisfied . I feel like Bobby Mcs theory was why learn to draw if you're not going to draw tits ?

Did you know that today is "Blue Monday" which is the most depressing day of the year ? This according to a British travel channel . The idea is considered pseudoscience , the formula they used derided by scientists as nonsensical . So if you feel a little more depressed today don't because science says you're not .

They also calculated the happiest day of the year , although unlike the most depressing day of the year which is static the happiest day of the year varies - although it's always been in June so far . So if your birthday is in June take heart because maybe you were born on the happiest day of the year .

So here's what I'm thinking . Lingerie is so expensive and it's not like it gets worn every often , so I'm thinking of starting a lingerie rental business . "Ew who's going to wear used lingerie !" People that want to get sexy and save money . I'll spray the stuff down with that junk they use for bowling shoes first . It'll be fine .

I'm going to be rich .

If there was pus coming out of your finger would you say that it's all pussy ? Because I almost did , but that's something else .
In the Mouth of Madness
Posted:Jan 12, 2018 12:40 pm
Last Updated:Jan 15, 2018 10:50 am

Man holding Phone in a group of friends proudly exclaims “I’ll get the Uber” !

In the dark safety of his soul there’s nothing he wants to do less .

He is Scared .

He prays a silent prayer that some else has the courage to do it.

The prayer is unanswered - as always .

He is promised venmos

The venmos never come

A day passes

A week

A month

He broods

He planks

He vows revenge

The day comes

A day of hopeful possibility !

He brings a single Two-liter bottle of Orange Soda to a party .

His defiant protest goes unnoticed .

Devastation swallows the man .

A time back in the day my (now) ex-wife and I were beefing over making the bed and she says "How god damn hard is it to make a bed ?!"

And I said to her "About as hard as is it for you to suck my dick . Not hard at all , but how hard or easy something is doesn't really factor into your decision to do it - what matters whether you want to do it ."

And she said "That's different , sucking your dick isn't important !"

"And making the bed isn't important to me , which is why it's instead exactly the same . Every now and then you suck my dick because you know it makes me happy , but you're not going to make a habit of it because you don't want to . Making the bed is the same thing for me . I do it occasionally because I know you want me to but most of the time I can't be bothered ."

A lot of people think we got divorced because she was banging her boss but hstly I didn't care . If anything we got along better during the timeframe when she was rewing her boss - she was a lot happier which made things go more smoothly between us .

The funny thing about that is that whenever people talk about polyamory I internally (and sometimes externally) role my eyes because it seems like trendy bullshit . I guess to me the difference is that polyamory is my eyes trying to have multiple romantiy committed relationships and I don't think that's possible . If you just want to bang multiple people that doesn't need a name .

Sometimes people ask me why I put single instead of divorced as my status . Hstly it never even occurred to me to put divorced . If you're divorced aren't you single until you get married again ? I get it , they want people to say they're divorced instead of single so you know who's damaged goods VS who's just so insane they never settled down with any but I don't think of myself as divorced . That was so long ago it barely seems real . I liken it to the fact that I was in HS once but it has no bearing on my life know really .

Also I was never married . That whole thing was my patented "40Deuce Complete Lies" which you all love so much .
Thriteen inches is too much
Posted:Jan 11, 2018 6:15 pm
Last Updated:Jan 14, 2018 6:25 pm
I'll admit this . I've been using the same washcloths since college . Judge me as you will . But I'm finally going to buy some new s . And I must ask , what the hell is going on ? The standard size seems to be 13 by 13 . That's friggin' huge for a washcloth ! That's like a hand towel not washcloth . I don't want something that big flopping around in the shower (if you know what I mean) . What's going on ? Am I going to have to buy DAMN baby washcloths ? I'm already wearing lady's gloves because of my tiny hands . Where does it end ?

I found out yesterday that Molly Coleman , a girl I went to HS that I had a crush on , killed herself - allegedly by crushing her head between her own thighs . Which is probably not true , the thigh part , she definitely is dead . This got me to wondering , there's a lot of jokes out there about guys trying to suck their own dicks ; but you never hear anything about women trying to lick their own clit .

When I was on the track team I saw girls stretching out - definitely seems possible . I grant you that the dick gives you a better chance because it protrudes out about the length of an APPROPRIATELY sized washcloth but women are more flexible in general so it seems like it could happen .

But you never hear about it . I can only conclude that this means that woman don't really like oral sex . I've always had my suspicions about that if we're being hst . And I feel like we are .

You know on second though if it was possible it would be in tons of porn videos so clearly it isn't .

I often wonder how the One Night Stand Girls algorithm decides what fake "flirts" and views it decides to give you . I'd say 80% of the fake flirts I get at from North Dakota . Why would that be ? Is it a glitch of some kind ? IA = ND ?

Sometimes I think I have no idea what job I would like . Other times I think being a baker would be my "dream" job . In reality it would suck of course but it's fun to pretend . I used to like baking before I gave on the . I went to a bakery today to pick up a cake for my buddy Chuly's birthday tomorrow . I haven't been in a bakery (or a baker , you feel me ? ) in literally forever .

I took a deep breath and tried to act perfectly normal , so that the people with loaves of bread for heads didn't realize there was anything wrong. I smiled and nodded at them in a perfectly normal way . They ignored me so it worked . So I get up to the counter and they have all these bear claws there so I say to the lady "What . . . what happened to the rest of the bear ?" Then a loaf of French bread slithered over like a snake and whispered something in your ear . Something mind-blowingly significant , yet inexpressible in human language .

My BFF and I sometimes clash because she believes in participating in the political process and trying to make a difference and I'm a cynical jackass who hates everything . So in order to strength my existing biases and prevent me from seeing her point of view I'm reading 'The Strange Non-Death of Neo-Liberalism' which talks about how we're living in a post-democracy . Which the old white dude who wrote the book defines as

"A post-democratic society is that continues to have and to use all the institutions of democracy, but in which they increasingly become a formal shell. The energy and innovative drive pass away from the democratic arena and into small circles of a politico-economic elite."

It puts many of my existing prejudices into print so clearly it's a good book . of the big reasons said book claims this has happened is the fragmentation of society . Back in Ye Olden Tymes the poor folk were more unified in what they wanted to have happen - stop killing us , us for work , don't steal our children for your factories , etc. But now that those basic things have been accomplished there's nothing left for people to identify with and rally behind . Ten people of my ilk all have different ideas on what they want the government to do so they can't unite to get their way . Whereas rich people look out for another - they all want to remain rich .

This idea could be BS designed to appeal to straw-nihilist like myself , but the claimed symptoms do seem to be occurring regardless ;

Fewer voters use their right to vote or do vote but don't expect anything to change (check)

Politicians ignore outcomes a referendums or opinion polls (check)

Rise of xenophobic groups that capitalize on diontent (double check)

Foreign governments can influence the internal politics sovereign countries (depends who you ask but the perception is a check)

Private interest becomes increasingly influential in public policy (check)

On the plus side there was a glitch on Overstock yesterday that allowed you to rip them off for tons of if you used bitcoin . So now a few more immoral folks have enough to be part of the political process . I don't have any bitcoin so I wasn't able to take advantage of this but it did make me wonder what I would have d if I did .

Stealing is wrong

Corporations are evil

Is it wrong to steal from a corporation ? Yes . But it doesn't bother you as much .

Is it wrong to steal bread to feed your family ? What if you have a big family ? Is it wrong to steal a bread truck ? And what if your family doesn't like bread , what if they like cigarettes ? And what if instead of giving them the cigarettes you sell them at a price that is practiy giving them away ?
No animals were harmed in the making of this snuff film
Posted:Jan 9, 2018 5:35 pm
Last Updated:Jan 10, 2018 3:32 pm
Despite not being a redneck I enjoy the music of the Old Crow Medicine Show . So you can imagine my dismay when some on Twitter was saying they should be shot out of a cannon because of their members was bragging about not having women in of their videos . What a sexist pig ! But , bucking the current trend societal trend I looked into it a little bit .

Turns out of the OCMS boys did say that however the con was as such - he was talking about how every time they want to do a video the producer's idea is "Alright we're gonna get all these hot chicks in here in bikinis and they're going to have huge tits and they're going to soaping up a Ferrari and then they all start making out . . ." and he was saying that he was proud that they never gave into that kind of sexist nonsense .

But con doesn't matter so fuck them .

Speaking of I've always found it a little curious that from the outside perspective view what people want most in live is to fuck , rew and b . And yet when the cops are chasing you and you run into a deadend alley and you've got a garbage bag full of coke what do you say to your running buddy RevPro ?

"We're fucked !" or "We're rewed !" or "We're bd !"

Based on most of the internet and all advertising what every is after is fucking , rewing , and boning . And yet when your Uncle Harvey asks if you want to come him move stuff from his waterbed store to his new location down on Wabash and 53rd for 8 hours for no what do you say ?

"Fuck that !" or "rew that !" or (less commonly) "B that !"

If you say to your neighbor Sally Green"I wanna fuck you" that means you're into her (and are inarticulate) but if you say simply "Fuck you" because she keeps dumping her trash in your lawn that means the opposite .

So what conclusion can we draw from this ? Secretly every hates sex . The real question is why does every pretend to like it ? They just want to be part of the crowd I guess . I mean if every jumped off a cliff and humped in mid-air would you do it too ? Yes . You would .

Time Magazine once published what they thought were the 50 Worst Inventions of all time . I'm sure you've been wondering what my thoughts on that were . Wonder no longer .

Segway - Would GOB have been as fantastic without his Segway ? No . Ergo this is wrong .

New Coke - The Coke challenge is what made me know I liked Coke . The Coke Challenge came around because of New Coke . Ergo this was the best thing that ever happened for me . Aside from all the negative side effects of drinking soda which are ravaging my body .

Clippy - This is the paperclip that used to tell you how to write resumes and ransom notes on Windows . Every hated it . BUT there's erotica out there about women banging Clippy so who has the last laugh ?

Agent Orange - It would be disrespectful to argue with this , HOWEVER there have been a lot worse chemical agents that did a lot worse things to people over a longer period of time .

CueCat - I have no idea what this is . I assume it's a pool cue for cats . Which is awesome . Although you'd also need a tiny cat-sized pool table .

Subprime Mortgages - WRONG . Subprime lending made a bunch of people rich as fucking fuck . And the resulting "mortgage crisis" made a bunch of other people rich also . And the only downside is poor people got even poorer ? Is that even a downside these days ?

Crinoline - Never heard of it . Crino was the daughter of Antenor and Theano so I assume this a brand of beauty products based on Greek mythology . Which seems like a good idea . "Don't look like a Gorgon try out skin cream !"

Nintendo Virtual Boy - Ha , I remember this , there was much puking and headaches .

Farmville - People need to waste time on something . I don't see the harm .

Hydrogenated Oils - Like we weren't going to get heart disease anyway . Plus people already live too long .

Hgar - No clue on this either . Can't even hazard a guess .

Hydrogen Blimps - They weren't so bad really . blimp blows up and they give up on the whole thing . Statistiy they were safer than cars (which isn't hard actually) and airplanes .

Hair in a Can - What if it was actually just a can of hair ? Now that's a bad product .

DDT - They show that old black and white footage of a truck spraying DDT directly into kid's faces at the pool all the time . And we wonder why people are so insane now .

Auto-Tune - WRONG . You know how many people can actually sing ? Like 2 . Best thing to happen to the music industry since leather pants and cocaine .

Red Dye No. 2 - Maybe , but do you know what "natural" food looks like ? You wouldn't put that in your mouth .

Ford Pinto - Yeah , but it lead to tort reform so really was it so bad ?

Parachute Jacket - NO ! You want to look fly you pop on of these bad boys .

Betamax - I don't even understand why this is on the list . Betamax was superior to VHS , the only reason they lost is because they wouldn't allow porn studios to use their technology .

Baby Cage - Not familiar with this but it seems pretty straightforward . It's fine .

Tanning Beds - Despite the widespread use in the wrestling industry I have to agree with this . If you want cancer just smoke - it makes you look cool .

Crocs - Indifferent

Hula Chair - I don't know what this is but it sounds awesome . Who doesn't love hula ? And chairs ? They're pretty dope . Also it sounds like a sex act "Congressman McElroy was arrested last night at the He/She club for receiving a Hula Chair from a prostitute" .

square - I barely know what this is , but it seems as dumb as any of it .

Pop-Up Ads - Mortgages got to be refied somehow .

Ph Fingers - No idea

CFCs - I guess , but again if you're going to talk about organofluorine chemistry you can find worse offenders .

Plastic Grocery Bags - This doesn't seem fair , maybe you can say that plastic is a bad invention but of course they made grocery bags out of it , they make everything out of it .

Bumpit - Don't know what this is . I assume it's a pit to put bums in when celebrities come to your town so they don't embarrass you with their reminders that the income gap in this country is of the worst in the world . Which seems alright .

Electric Facial Mask - Not familiar with this but it sounds like you're shooting electricity into your face . Approved .

Sony CD Copy Protection - Sony didn't invent this , but yeah .

Venetian-Blind Sunglasses - Wrong , awesome .

Pet Spa - Not 100% sure what this is but why wouldn't your pet need a spa ?

Pontiac Aztek - The Aztek had among the highest Customer Satisfaction Index ores in its class and won "Most Appealing Entry Sport Utility Vehicle" in 2001 from J.D. Power and Associates . So . . .

Snuggie for Dogs - Hell yeah , the Slanket for dogs is 100% superior .

Mizar Flying Car - No comment

Asbestos - It seemed like a good idea at the time .

Olestra - A little anal leakage is normal .

Comfort Wipe - Not sure what this is but I'm not sure how a wipe could go wrong . Maybe I don't want to know .

Fake Ponytails - Is this a thing ? I need a couple .

HeadOn - Dude got paid didn't he ? You're the 's who bought a product that promised nothing . Also , resulted in of the best porn movies ever "AssOn - Apply directly to the ass" .

Toilets - I'm fine with this .

Tamagotchis - Why ? Stupid fad toys come around every year .

Leaded Gasoline - I don't know enough about this to have an opinion .

Vibrating Ab Belt - Sounds sexy

Spam E-mail - This isn't an invention . That's like saying some invented being boring in real life conversations .

Smell-o-Vision - Who doesn't like Aromatherapy

Smile Checks - Don't know what this is either . I assume it's a check you give to some for smiles instead of ? And then they say "Sir you can't for these dildos with smiles" and then you jack the cashier in the face and run for it .

Microsoft Bob - I assume this is just a guy that works at Microsoft named Bob . I can't believe Time is such a jerk to him .

Vio - Carbonated milk ? I can't believe that didn't work .

I haven't read Time in a while but unless this list was like a joke thing for April Fools they've really fallen off in quality . I can think of many worse inventions . How about landmines ? Those are pretty bad . What about the atomic bomb ? Not so great . Crack any ? Very few upsides there . Flamethrowers ? Not real crowd pleasers . And so forth .
Bend over and spread your cheeks - the subtle art of erotic photography
Posted:Jan 8, 2018 5:05 pm
Last Updated:Jan 9, 2018 3:06 pm
Photography is one of the many things in life that seems simple enough but gets more complicated when nudity is involved .

I don't know much about it but that won't stop me from giving you advice .

Set the stage - You're probably thinking "No one will be looking at the background when my sexy ass is on display !" but you're wrong . Here's the deal . As established only 4% of the population is good looking but what you have to keep in mind is that with the massively bloated Earth population that means there's more than 300 MILLION attractive people running around out there . And they're all uploading 12-74 pictures of themselves to the internet hourly . The point is we've seen it all - we're definitely going to notice the background . Keep that in mind . Not just in terms of tidying up but also for location . Bathroom selfies ? Car selfies ? Enough . Unless you're homeless . Then its okay . But even then I feel like you could probably find a nice outdoor location to flash your junk in an artistic manner .

Don't forget about lighting - How many times have you been watching porn and said to yourself "this would be great if it was more well lit !" Probably never but I say it all the time . Artificial lighting is not flattering . If you don't have professional lighting equipment , and you don't , natural light is the way to go . Side light is how you make the tits look good . Which also means if you're a fatman like me avoid the side light - it makes your man-teats too noticeable .

Safety first - Keep in mind that any nude pictures you take will be stolen by hackers and displayed on a variety of social media and pornographic platforms . Which is why you should be sure to always have your face in frame and clearly visible - how else are the talent scouts from NY going to find you ? If possible find an unobtrusive way to work your home address into the picture .

Sidenote DO NOT look up "nude selfie fails" because one of the results will be a lady giving a blowjob while feeding a damn baby .

I don't mean to brag but I've been going to the bathroom for a long time - more than 40 years . So I know what I'm doing . But today I was confronted with a challenger heretofore unknown ! I was at the right urinal . There was another dude on the left . Third dude comes in and is stuck with the middle - never a fun time . But this dude was WIDE . He comes up there and his hip is touching my hip . I try to sidle over but there's not a ton of room and he just expands to fill up that space . So there we all are , dicks in hand , hip to hip . That shit ain't in the bible .

I hear women (for some reason) complain about not getting to use urinals but I bet when you're taking a piss there's not someone else touching you .

And while we're on the gross subject anyway what's the deal with dudes who go hands free at the urinal ? Hands on hips is bad enough but the dudes that go arms behind head . Serious bro you are a sociopath . But what's weirdest of all is the dudes that put both hands on the wall like the cops have them in custody . Although they may just be hammered and they need the support .

I was wondering today if Lois Lane was the most famous superhero girlfriend ever and it occurred me that I don't even know if there's any other contenders . After the Superman the next most popular comic book character is the Batman and he doesn't really play the field too much . Do normal people even know that he and Catwoman have an "it's complicated" kind of relationship sometimes ?

I suppose due to the 9-15 Spider-Man Reboots people probably know about Mary Jane Watson - played by the delightful Kirsten Dunsts in reboot movie # 3 .

Bruce Banner had Betsy Ross before he became the Hulk but not so much afterwards . Hulk doesn't get a lot of action from puny human .

Wolverine ? He occasionally has a love interest introduced so they can be killed and trigger his rampage of revenge and/or be transformed into a killer cyborg but no one you'd remember . And his infatuation with Jean Grey ? Please .

Iron Man ? Slut

Captain America ? Virgin

Thor ? Who even knows with that guy ?

And finally I forgot one of my complains about profiles the other day . The word "professional" is thrown around a lot . What does that mean ? Are women trying to make sure no grody lower class people try to contact them ? Or do they mean that being a woman is somehow their job ? Or is that how you signal that you're not above a little hooking ?
I could be the strongest man alive - you don't know
Posted:Jan 7, 2018 3:22 pm
Last Updated:Jan 8, 2018 4:26 pm
I realized today that reading is basically staring at dead trees and hallucinating . At least for me . I suppose for most "normal" people these days it's staring at plastic and hallucinating .

I know I make this complaint every time I somehow manage to squander up (I know that's wrong but I have a friend who always says squander when he means scrounge and I've decided I like it) GOLD membership but what is blogging about if not repeatedly whining about the same things over and over and over and over again ?

If you profile is "I like fun" how can you then come back at me and say my message to you is "lacking anything substantive" ? You're not giving me shit to work with lady . Maybe if your profile was more than 3 words I could craft something a little more specific you know ? I mean I guess I could totally blow smoke up your ass if that's what you want .

"You like to have fun ? I bet that means you have a tough job . I wonder what it takes you please you , that's the job I want . Part time , full time , I want to be good at it , bad at it , I want to get promoted , fired , corner office , hostile takeover , workplace accident , I'm on my knees here (username) ! Praying , worshipping , begging , whatever you want . What do you think about that ?"

40 if a woman doesn't have anything on her profile why would you message her ?

Hmm , good point . Which I will disregard .

Also as long as I'm being a jerk there's an astonishing number of "free spirits" around here based on profiles . I guess no one likes you think of themselves as a shackled spirit . Even though most of us are .
Sometimes you eat the bear
Posted:Jan 6, 2018 2:59 pm
Last Updated:Jan 16, 2018 5:57 pm
Once upon a time there was a show called Homicide : Life on the Street that was great for several seasons and then still pretty good when NBC fired half the people on it and replaced them with sexy young characters that everyone hated . It has since been mostly surpassed by the Wire as it was based on the same book done by the same dude and actually had some the same stories on it - but you know it was newer so it was better . Although it just got cancelled instead of having half the cast fired and replaced with the young and sexy . Possibly because they started out with younger sexier people - lesson learned there , you can extend your show a couple seasons if you start with a low bar .

Anyway on this show there was a running gag where Mildrick would be finishing a joke and say "You're not here to hunt are you ?" and everyone would pack up laughing . But you never heard the set-up . I just thought it was a thing they did for the show but it's the punchline to an actual joke .

A dude is out hunting and he doesn't get anything and he's about to pack it in for the day when he sees a bear . And he blasts off a shot but he misses . And the bear says "hey you just tried to shoot me !" and the guy claims that it was an accident and the gun just went off . But the bear doesn't buy it so he says "For that I'm going to fuck you in the ass" . And there's nothing the man can do so the bear goes to town on his asshole . Afterwards the bear is walking back into the woods and the man grabs his gun and shoots at him again and again he misses . And the bear is outraged "Dude , didn't you learn your lesson ? Now you have to suck my dick ." And the guy can't do anything about it so he has to suck the bear dick . After he gets done the bear starts to head off into the woods once more and the guy picks up his gun and shoots at him a THIRD time and he misses AGAIN !

And the bear turns back to him and says "You're not here to hunt are you ?"

The sad thing is this joke is based on a true story . You see back in the day gay dudes were so afraid to come out of the closet that they had on choice but to resort to having sex with talking bears in the woods . Thankfully these are more enlightened times but they term "bear" is still used in gay culture so they we never forget those dark ages past .

A couple of people have asked what I did on New Year's Eve .

Also it seems like this site worked a lot better for me when I was a standard member .
Suck it
Posted:Jan 5, 2018 3:53 pm
Last Updated:Jan 7, 2018 5:17 pm
As I've mentioned before One of my best pals who is otherwise a completely rational and compassionate and "good" person has issues with trans people . Which isn't ideal but what makes it worse is that he knows the rest of us don't like that so he constantly brings it up to try and convince us that he's right - which only put the spotlight more on how we don't agree with the things he's saying . It's interesting how people rarely seem to pick up on how they're making things worse .

So last night he was at it again and it degenerated into of those awful "would you" conversations where invariably an unattractive middle aged fatman says they would bang a "super hot" post op transsexual and then considers themselves a hero . Your medal's in the mail jackass .

Of course I participated because I'm just as Scummy as any else (well not ANYONE , but you know what I mean) and I explained my stance that I would both date or hook-up with a trans person that I liked regardless of what they had "going on down there" . Which that set off a whole thing because a certain kind of homophobia is alive and well - a lot of people don't have a problem with gay people but they DO NOT want any thinking they're gay .

This guy says to me "What if you accidentally touched it while you were having sex ?" So I says to him I says "If I was dating a trans lady with a penis I'd jerk her off , I'd probably suck her off occasionally if she was into it ." Which set off another firestorm . So I expounded "Dude , here's the deal , if you're in a relationship with some you do a lot of stuff you're not into , that's what being in a relationship is - you do stuff for them . If I had the choice I'd much rather spend minutes sucking a lady dick than 4 god damn hours at the god damn museum of 17th century doll clothes in Ottumwa" .

Point is where's my medal ?

Post-Script as I was driving to work this morning an interesting thought occurred to me . I know it's hard to believe but I have dated women before . Usually around 3 years in they get bored with me sexually , actually they've probably been bored all along and that's the point where they feel comfortable saying something about it , and they want to get freaky . 75% of the time they want to get into rope bondage and roleplaying and being dominated . And my answer has always been "nah" . And I've always felt bad about it because I want them to be happy but I just couldn't make that leap . And yet if they had had a dick I'd be okay blowing said dick from time to time .

Draw whatever conclusion you can from that .

I will say this , I am mildly judgey about BDSM "stuff" but I think I have become less so - because of One Night Stand Girls shockingly . Who knew this website did anything , let al anything positive ?

In this diussion a dude last night dropped of my most hated expressions "I'm comfortable enough in my masculinity to blah blah blah blah" . I wanted to spit directly in his face . Because all that really means is "I'm a big macho asshole !" Masculinity ? What are you even talking about ? Masculinity , femininity , I'm tired of it all . Shut up about it .

And now for the fable of the lizard and the Scorpion .

One time a Scorpion was hanging out , you know , doing scorpion shit and he decided to go talk to a lizard . And he was all like "Hey lizard , how about you swim across the river and carry me on your back , I totally won't sting you to death halfway because then I'd drown too you know ?"

And the lizard said "First of all I'm a lizard , I don't go in the water . Second of all we're both desert animals so there is no river . And third of all you shouldn't bring up the stinging thing because that makes it seem like you WILL sting me ."

"Hmm , those are all good points" said the Scorpion .

So instead they hung out by the old abandond rusted 1962 Oldsmobile F-85 Jetfire by the railroad tracks cracked a few beers and tried to convince some road runner girls to bang them at the same time . Which they did .

2018 Year in Review
Posted:Jan 3, 2018 5:51 pm
Last Updated:Jan 5, 2018 2:52 pm

January 1 - Mauro Staccioli dies , his best known work is at Carrazeda de Ansiães in Portugal

January 2 - Around 11 AM the average CEO has made as much as you will make all year

January 3 - The Paganaxian invasion fleet comes within 3 parsecs of Earth

Huh , maybe this was a little premature .

I've never seen or interacted with the lady on the other side of the cube wall from me but she has some interesting ph conversations . Today she said something that might be the best thing uttered for the entire year of 2018 . And I quote ;

"I just get a little sensitive about this because no should ever criticize anything I do ."

Wow . The BALLS on this chick . Talk about making a blanket statement . NO should EVER criticize ANYTHING I do . The only explanation is that she is the greatest woman alive , that has ever lived , or will ever live and everything she does is not just right , it is absolute perfection . Don't even TRY to find fault with ANYTHING she does , has d , or ever will do . Or you will be made a fool of .

I am blessed to be working with such a towering figure . Hell we're ALL luck to be alive at the same time as her !

Then she spent a legitimate 22 minutes telling her daughter how to make banana bread . That should take 5 minutes tops . Plus , her method of making banana break is insane . But I am not going to criticize it . Because I can't . No can .

At work today I was trying to learn about the Stored Communication Act and it's relevance to a policy I was writing (was it updated in 2015 or not ? I don't fucking know ! ) and I was reading various court cases when I came across City of Ontario (California) V Quan . There's a lot going on here .

First of all it was a class action suit brought Quan , his ex-wife (who divorced him because he was cheating on her) his ex-girlfriend (with whom he was cheating on his wife and who broke up with him because he was also cheating on her) and another ex-girlfriend (on whom he also cheated) . This is pretty impressive in and of itself . Clearly the guy is high impact with the ladies but on top of that he's able to convince them , after cheating on them to get involved with a legal case with him ? This dude is slick .

Is it a triumph of capitalism that these women orned were willing to set aside their anger for the promise of cold hard cash ?

They sued the police department because said police department read their messages that they sent via PAGER . This happened in 2010 folks . Who was still using pagers in 2010 ? The police because they are broke as shit . Many police departments STILL use them . When Quan's supervisor read the s because he was trying to figure out why the dude went over his limit every month (they had a limited plan for PAGER S !!! ) he saw that 90% of his s were sexts to his GF and/or his other GF . Pager sexts . Think about that .

Also think about all these people working in the same police department , which I'm guessing in Ontario CA is like 10 people max . This dude likes ing with fire .

The point is that the department had no policy in place saying they would read your pager s . It turned into a whole thing about privacy and the 4th amendment and whatnot and went all the way to the Supreme Court that ruled what the police department did was totally okay , but they sidestepped addressing any of the real issues . If you believe the hype this is what the Roberts Court was known for - making a ruling that didn't the lower courts understand anything .

The funny thing is they said they didn't want to set a precedent because it was "an emerging technology" . I think pagers are pretty much what they are at this point .

"40 that wasn't super interesting"

Oh we're just getting started ! These folks also sued the department for putting cameras in the locker room and filming then naked . Which they did do . Why ? Because they were looking for a stolen FLASHLIGHT . They won this case and were awarded 2.75 million which seems like a lot . I mean if some spies on me naked what's that worth ? Like 8 grand tops . Of course 1.5 million of that went to the law firm which seems like a real racket .

And did I mention that GF #2 was fired because she was tipping off her other BF about drugs raids on account of this dude was a narco trafficker in a violent motorcycle gang (which will remain nameless) . She sued the city for 3 grand because she said they made her use her own ph for work which is illegal in CA (but perfectly legal in most states) .

The people involved in this case sued the department and the city a total of 12 times for different reasons .

And check this out , the wife didn't become the ex-wife because of the pager sexting thing - she already knew about the affair because another woman who didn't work at the department who Quan was banging came into the police station , got his ph out of his locker and showed sexts and videos of GF#1 to the wife . Which Quan also sued about and LOST because that's not illegal !

Your mobile provide has the right to protect your data but the data on your ph has NO protection . If I get your ph I can show your nude pictures to whomever I want - although posting them online is a different kettle in some places due to so ed "revenge porn" laws .

Anyway the A was written into law by Ronald Regan so you can see that's it's woefully outdated . Yet no seems to be doing anything about it .

Also I'm pretty sure this story is going to be the plot of True Detective season 3 . I still don't know why people hated season 2 so much they cancelled the damn show . Vince Vaughn wasn't great and it was nowhere near as good as the first season sure , but it was good . Come on .
No spend January
Posted:Jan 2, 2018 4:56 pm
Last Updated:Jan 3, 2018 5:04 pm
The uber-trendy lady at work was telling everyone today that we all need to 'challenge ourselves" with this new fad of not spending any money in January . At first I was excited because I wanted to see how all these sheeple were going to survive 30 days without spending any money but as per usual the whole thing is a filthy LIE . You can spend money on food and gas and rent and stuff you're just not supposed to "waste" money . Boo .

Not spending money for a month is supposed to catapult you into financial security and make you a better person and blah , blah , blah yak , yak , yak . I actually do agree with what this is trying to accomplish but as you all know I am the kind of jerk who hates anything that's in vogue . As opposed to the kind of jerk that's loves anything that's in vogue . Because as you know the jerk doesn't fall far from the jerktree . Hmm the jerktree sounds like a sexual thing . The kind of sexual thing I don't want to know what it is . Although it's probably just a bunch of dudes jerking each other off in the shape of a Christmas tree .

Anyway since this trend is dumb I am going to do something fantastic and awesome to blow it out of the water and get everyone to be my friend on social media . I am going to spend ALL my money in January . And I mean all of it , I'm going to liquidate everything I own and then spend that massive fortune all in one month . "Wasting" it if you will . And that's just phase one !

I will then live AT MY CURRENT STANDARD OF LIVING until 2020 without spending a single penny . That is two solid years people (minus one month) where I will not give anyone a single red cent . And yet I will want for nothing . Well nothing that I don't already want for you see ?

How will I do it ? Follow me on Trendysnap to find out ! Hourly updates !

BTW these no spend January people are in for a world of hurt . Because , as we all know . . . There's the television . It's all right there - all right there . Look , listen , kneel , pray . Commercials ! We're not productive anymore . We don't make things anymore . It's all automated . What are we for then ? We're consumers . Yeah . Okay , okay . Buy a lot of stuff , you're a good citizen . But if you don't buy a lot of stuff , if you don't , what are you then , I ask you ? What ? Mentally ill . Fact , Jim , fact - if you don't buy things : toilet paper , new cars , computerized yo-yos , electrically-operated sexual devices , stereo systems with brain-implanted headphones , screwdrivers with miniature built-in radar devices , voice-activated computers . . .

Speaking of I figured out why I couldn't upgrade a while ago - One Night Stand Girls no longer takes paypal , they want your CC number . Yeah right like I'm going to trust these bozos . They do have a pretty nice scam where you can trade in gift cards for days of gold membership - at like 30 cents on the dollar . But I guess if your granny gives you a dumb gift card to the cheesecake factory and you want to use it to whine about how the 4 actual women on here aren't blowing you on command might as well right ?

Quick wrestling note , neck injuries are becoming an epidemic in these modern times so here's the skinny - when you become a wrestler (and you probably will) DO NOT agree to any spot where you get hit in the back of the neck . If you can't see it coming you can't react property if they're coming in heavy . Dropkick to the face ? Thumbs up . Dropkick to the back of the head ? No thank you sir .

I found out today that if our society seems more nihilistic than that of previous eras , this is simply a sign of our maturity as a sentient species . As our collective consciousness expands beyond a crucial point , we are at last ready to accept life's fundamental truth : that life's only purpose is life itself .

And now some practical advice . The key to creating a corporate fad on which you can cash in is to state the blindingly obvious in an appealing way . The end .

Corporate fad s, like Six Sigma or Agile Processing , are like viruses - invisible and intangible things , and then before you can say "to more with less" WHAM , everyone is infected . And the result is very similar to an actual flu : for a while you won't shut up about it and then you get nauseous and everything you do is crap .

These things are developed by (dirty liberal) academics who have nothing to do all day but think of topics for research papers . This is what you'd do , too , if you were an academic and not allowed to sleep with students . Some fad developers have become so famous that they need never work again , which is pretty handy since they don't actually know how to do anything .

Here's how to create your own corporate management fad :

Step one . Come up with a slick name , like "metamanagment" . Admit it , that sounds so awesome you already want to go out and hire a whole bunch of consultants . According to the US Central Business Research Bureau , a good name is primarily responsible for just over half of all successful product launches . I just made that up , but see how plausible it sounded coming out of something called the ‘US Central Business Research Bureau' ? BAM !

Some people (aka morons) think the theory should come before the name , but this is classic old person thinking . These are the suckers who believe customers buy the technically best product - as if ! The only way to deal with these idiots is to ignore everything they say while thinking about how much more money you make than them .

Step two . There is no step two . You'd know that if you were paying attention from before .

Once you've got the cool name , the theory underneath is largely irrelevant : just take something everyone knows to be true and paraphrase it ; Metamanging : gaining customer loyalty by satisfying key consumer needs . It's not like this is hard ; they're all just : "Do stuff better" . If you get stuck , just talk about replacing things with other things ; One key to metamanagin is replacing customers with clients .

If you've done your job right soon companies will have a Metamanagement Taskforce , a VP of Metamanaging and a special section in the annual report on the company's Metamanging initiatives. Of course , by then , you'll be earning $5700 an hour to speak to halls full of executives , have your name prefaced with "guru" and never have to do anything accountable ever again .

And that's the secret of Metamanagment !
Such is annilhilation
Posted:Dec 31, 2017 5:13 pm
Last Updated:Jan 2, 2018 3:57 pm

You know what's weird ? Oh you do ? Well , I'm going to write this anyway . Sorry . What's weird is when someone is 10-15 minutes late and they apologize you don't care that they were late . Legitimately , it doesn't bother you that they were late - you're not just letting them off the hook because they apologized . But if they don't say anything you become INCENSED . Maybe that's just me .

When you live in the Midwest this is about the time that your curse your ancestors and ask why they would even come to a frozen hellscape such as this . But I had a pretty decent family history so I know why in a few cases at least ;

Stole a goose from a nobleman for Christmas diner , fled the country to avoid being hanged

Deserted from the army during the War of 1866 , fled country to avoid being shot

Rebelled against Denmark , lost , fled country to avoid being hanged

Fled country to avoid being drafted during the War of 1870 (aka wanted to avoid getting shot)

Abandoned family , wanted to go where relatives couldn't find him for shooting or hanging

Two things occur to me looking at my heritage . First , the 1800s was a golden age for executing people . And second my ancestors lived much more interesting and terrifying lives than I do .

Or course that just explains why that came to America , there's still no excuse for stopping someplace where it's 20 damn below .

"Why don't YOU move instead of blaming your great-great-whatever grandparents ?"

Shut up that's why .

When I was in college I made a website for all my writing and roleplaying and wrestling junk - it had all the dazzling qualities of a 1998 webpage . After a few years one day amateur porn videos started showing up on there . At first I was like "sweet free porn" because this was back in the days when free porn was a rare and sacred thing . But then I was annoyed because someone was screwing with my website . More and more videos and pictures and other weird things started showing up on there from a biker couple . Back in those days you could put a counter on your website (remember those) and hardly anyone visited the site so I don't know why these people were doing this . Then it turned into a thing where I would delete their stuff and they would delete my stuff and we'd leave threatening messages for one another . It was strange .

Finally I gave up on the site but one day on a whim in like 2007 I went back and they were still putting stuff on there , not as often , but they were still active . I have no theory was to what was going on there .

I wonder how many fabulous geocities and angelfire sites are still sitting out there - monuments to the wacky days of the late nineties early 2000s .

In case you were wondering the lady had a pretty face but she was super skinny and had no tits and no ass . The husband/BF/whatever was a big burly dude with a stupid droopy beard who liked to wear sunglasses while banging . Classy .

This week's Bond selection is Never Say Never Again . I remember this movie seeming a little odd for some reason when I was a kid and now I know why - there's a whole deal with this movie .

Such as it came out a the same time as Octopussy . There was some kind of legal fight (this happens a lot in the Bond franchise) and it lead to competing Bond movies . NSNA with Sean Connery and Octopussy with Roger Moore . Everyone thought that Never Say Never Again would win because Connery was the original Bond but they were wrong , Octopussy won in a landslide . Probably because it has pussy in the title .

So Bond purists (people without GFs) don't consider Never Say Never Again to be a "real" Bond movie . If you buy a boxed set of Bond movies NSNA will never (say never again) be in it .

AND it's a remake of Thunderball . So it's a remake of a movie that's less than 20 years old with the same star . What's just weird .

But it has one of my favorite Bond lady villains - Fatima Blush . She even manages to make the insane clothing of 1983 look good . And she was going to shoot Bond in the dick . Plus she cray . But in a good way you know ?

And a young Kim Basinger is the "Bond girl" and let me tell you something about 1983 Kim Basinger - she is limber as FUCK . She must have been a dancer or something . Also I think they gave her some kind of injection to partially rubberize her bones . She's contorting like a triple jointed sidewinder . Also you can CLEARLY see her nipples through various sheer tops a good half the movie .

I never liked Thunderball so I would say this was a marked improvement but it's a very strange movie - the first act is basically just Bond being punked . Then he plays video games with a dude . Then some shit happens on a boat and somehow in the end Bond wins . Bond movies as usually not super strong plotwise but this one is especially shaky . Plus is has the worst Q ever - he's like a cockney asshole . That's not MY Q .

To link to this blog (40Deuce) use [blog 40Deuce] in your messages.

 40Deuce 40M
40 M
January 2018
Sun Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat

Recent Visitors

Visitor Age Sex Date
wickedeasy 67F1/18
icantakebigdick  52M1/18
Mattisonax 40F1/17
BiggLala 45F1/17
racerman1961 56M1/17
WeB69Ntoo 45/43C1/17
Funguy5884 60M1/17
12FK2 44F1/17
lustasaurus 40F1/17