If I Don't Get 100 Comments on This Picture, I'll Never Show My Tits on Here Again!
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Posted:Oct 26, 2012 5:56 pm
Last Updated:Oct 30, 2012 4:37 pm
64795 Views
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I realize my last post was mostly about pro wrestling , but seriously ? No comments ? You are all off my Christmas card list . And my Christmas cards are GREAT .
The other day at work I was thinking about which Egyptian god I would have intercourse with if I had to choose (which I assume you do at some point in your life) . Its a hard call because most of the Egyptian goddesses have cow heads - which is a bit of a turn off . I don't care how hot your body is , if you have a cow head I'm just not into it . I guess there's also doggy style(I assume cow-headed goddesses is the origin of the notion "head down ass up") but I think the ears flicking around would still bother me .
But on the other hand , the second most popular head for Egyptian goddesses is the cat . Which sounds good at first - sexy cat lady ? Sign me up right ? But hold the phone Ying-Yang , first of all have you ever heard what a lady cat sounds like when she's getting humped ? Yeah , imagine that coming out of a 10x bigger head (can't blame them really male cats have penis spikes) . Plus there's the whole biting issue . I don't like when lady's bite me but they seem compelled to do it and I can live with it . A cat head the size of a human woman's head ? You're dead buddy . Plus who really wants to kiss a cat mouth ? If you said "me" please check yourself into the nearest mental ward .
I guess if I was going to get a blowjob I'd rather have it from a cow mouth than a cat mouth .
Anyway , I'll go with Isis because she has a lady head - even though she did bang her brother (and a few times) I guess they were into that back in the day . So what Egyptian god would you sexxor ?
Also , did you know we don't even call the Egyptian gods by their right names ? Some jerk who first found out all this crap (for white folks of course) just made up all the names . Apparently this kind of thing happens all the time . Here's a short play about it ;
Space alien coming to earth for the first time - Hi , what's your name ?
Me - 40Deuce
SACTEFTFT - Cool , I'll call you Bliz-Blaz .
Me - Why can't you use my real name ?
SACTEFTFT - Because fuck you that's why .
Scene
In other news I have a co-workers who's obsessed with a lady called Beyonce (which could be real name too but how can we be sure ? Fucking Egyptologists) . She's a pretty good singer and had some okay songs , she married and ugly dude but I think she nailed Justin Timberlake one time too .
Pictured below Justin Timberlake
Say what you want about J-Tim , he's bedded a fine collection of ladies - he must know what he's doing . Plus Alpha is a pretty good flick . Anyway , this lady said something about Beyonce that I found hard to believe so I referenced all the all-knowing wiki or pedias . I don't remember what I even looked up , but her wiki entry said that she had her own production company (plausible) called virginanal (not so much) . Suspecting tomfoolery (or even shenanigans) I tried to verify independently in the interwebs but guess what you find when you search for virgin anal ? I'd like to believe I live in a world where Beyonce would name her company Virgin Anal but I bet I don't .
In other other news I went to Subway the other day (my first mistake but hey , I was literally starving to death) and they put sweet onion sauce on my "sandwich" instead of red wine vinegar . Not only was it gross as hell my breath STILL stinks . What can I do about it ? Can you drink bleach if you dilute it ? What about liquid plumber foaming drain snake ? Help me out .
And now , a fun fact . I have a chair . Its an awesome chair . It swivels . The only reason I bought my loveseat is so I could get the chair . The other day I was engaging in a spirited bout of chair sex . The next day I learned something . The mucus that sprays out of a lady (which don't yourself that's what it is) during what some call female ejaculation (and I call taking a drink from the firehose) doesn't seem to stain in general but it stained the hell out of my awesome chair . And my sister laughed when I got the protection plan . Who's laughing now ? I get a new chair for free . Point is if you're one of them lady ejaculators test your ejaculate on part of the fabric that doesn't show before you start spraying it all over the place please . Thank you .
And finally . When I was driving home today I saw a really ugly in the backseat of a car in the next lane . At a stoplight I got a better look and realized it was a goat . Which is weird . Made me think of two things . First , when I was a one of my friends lived next door to people who had a goat . It was the angriest animal ever in the world . If you got within 11 feet of the fence it would flip out and start ramming the shit out of it . Whenever a new came around we'd always dare them to jump the fence and run through the yard . I saw so many get goat rammed it scarred me for life .
Second , a long time ago I was reading a book about Christianity not as a religion but as a institution and one fellow mentioned that many of the early Christians were shepherds . But the other main profession in the area was goatherding . He thought the church would be much different if the goatherds had been in on the ground floor because goats are smart enough you can lead them - sheep are dumb and have to be driven where you want them to go . I think its even addressed in the Bible specifically . Matthew 25 maybe . Also it was in a Cake song so you know its true - sheep go to heaven , goats go to hell .
Post Script - There's a new Magic card called "Double Core Tapper" which totally should be the name for a sex act of some kind .
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On the moon using a key to gouge expletives on another's vehicle is a sign of trust and friendship
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Posted:Oct 22, 2012 6:45 pm
Last Updated:Oct 26, 2012 5:17 pm
63515 Views
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Today my triumph is complete . Another one of my hated enemies is leaving the department I work in - now they're all gone . Sure they'll all moving on to more money and better benefits but I on the other hand . . . . well at least they're gone (and dead I assume) .
Today is a great day . Its almost enough to make up for the hated New York Giants winning yesterday . I like the NFL better when it was possible for ANY team to cover ANY wideout for more than 1 or 2 plays a game . What happened NFL ? Where did all the competent corners go ? Damn Obama .
Anyway , before I get to the boring stuff check this out . The other day my gal pal mentioned that she was going to stop shaving her swimsuit zone because the wife of a fellow she works with got an ingrown hair that turned septic and threatened her life from shaving the fun zone . Complete understandable . I enjoy a hairless pussy but I realize that doctors are generally against it and while the odds of such an incident are small it is a possibility - weird things happen , no reason to take more risks than you have to . However , if you're really worried about that kind of thing you shouldn't shave anything - no legs , no armpits , no nothing . The same thing could happen , because you know , NONE of it was designed with the razor in mind . THANKS evolution (or god [or flying spahgetti monster]) .
I am in no way advocating for hairy ladies (by any means) but if you want to be totally safe let if all go . Sure people will be disgusted (especially me) but change is never easy . A couple generations from now people will accept the fact that women are as hairy and gross as men (straight men anyway) . And while you'll live the rest of your life sexless and unsatisfied at least you'll have made the world a better place for future generations . Which is nothing to swing a bag of dicks at if you ask me .
Alright now the boring stuff (moreso) . I love professional wrestling , as you all know (why I love is still unknown) . One of my favorite wrestlers is a lady wrestler who you'll never seen on TV or make any money being a wrestler at all . Because while she's cute as a button she doesn't look like this ;
Pictured above NOT a good wrestler
And to make it in the big leagues as a lady wrestler that's what you have to have . This girl (who ironically has the same name as a porn star) is a fantastic wrestler . Honestly . A man with half her talent would be a huge star and make MILLIONS of dollars . But that's not how it works . Most female wrestlers are just strippers who wandered into the wrong locker room I'm pretty sure . I don't watch women's matches on TV for the most part because they're pathetic . Every now and then there's a female wrestler who happens to be gorgeous AND can actually wrestle , but its rare and there hasn't been one for a while .
I don't know why , but I just felt like bring this up . Its hard for me to explain (and even harder for you to care) how great she really is . Most wrestlers , even the really good ones , never do an original move in their whole career . This lady seems to come up with something new every few months . True innovation is ultrarare in the world of wrestling . Also I think its kind of amusing that she embraces the fact that she's not a Barbie Doll . Not that long ago the owner of a small company that she used to work for made some crack about her being on the "Itty Bitty Titty Committee" (what is this 3rd grade ?) and recently she's starting wearing (and selling) a new shirt "President of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee - and DAMN proud of it ." That just makes laugh .
I realize there's a trillion million more important things to worry about in this life , but its frustrating when true talent is ignored in favor of two hookers tripping their way through a match that makes two drunks rolling around on a vomit-stained barfloor look awesome .
Boring rant complete
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Maria's a liar AND she takes it in the butt
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Posted:Oct 20, 2012 5:37 pm
Last Updated:Oct 22, 2012 6:17 pm
63999 Views
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I'm starting to believe that maybe there are a few women who do like sex . Its been an uphill battle since every piece of media everywhere reinforces the idea that all men are sex crazed maniacs who'll do anything to get laid (which is true) and all women are bitchy ice queens who'd rather die than ever let a man touch them . The worst offenders of propagating this myth ? Women themselves of course . When a woman wants to put down another woman what's the most likely term they're use ? Probably a tie between slut and . The other day at work two ladies were trashing "Maria" and busted out that gem above .
Pictured below not the Maria I work with
I mean being a liar is one thing obviously , but taking it up the butt ? Unacceptable obviously . What kills me if I've had a few lady friends who liked taking up the butt but that didn't stop them from tossing that out as an insult to other women . You bitches be crazy , for reals .
Speaking of things heard at work , Loud Big Boobs is moving to a new department her last day was Friday . I happened to be riding up in the elevator with her and her soon to be new supervisor and this went down .
"Are you excited ?" Said soon to be new boss .
"Yes , very much ." Said LBB
"You shouldn't be ."
What's that about ? I guess once someone's already locked in you don't need to pretend its a good job anymore ? Seems like a strange attitude for the person who hired you . There's been a mass exodus of people leaving my department lately . I should probably acquire some marketable skills (like juggling) and do the same some day . Seems like a lot of work though .
When I know I can't blog for a while I write myself cryptic notes to remind me of stuff I want to talk about . Sometimes I can't decipher them (a lot of the time) . I have written down here
"FIST"
I think it had something to do with finding out my new boss is a lesbian but I don't know what - it had nothing to do with fisting I know that . By the way finding that out made me wonder , do you think your "average" lesbian is more or less likely to file complaint when sexually harassed by a dude ? I could go either way on that .
The other day when I was talking to my gal pal , whom I'll call Squirty Mc Huge Tits (I could use her real screen name I guess but maybe she doesn't want people to know she's involved with me) about losing Magic tournaments to 14 year I mentioned I should get revenge on them by nailing their mom(s) when they come to pick them up . Which you have to admit , seeing your mom bent over the hood of the car getting the white man's jackhammer from me is probably about as horrible of a revenge as you can wreak on someone . I've always tried to avoid being a mother fucker in general (unless said are grown adults) , but I am in favor of revenge .
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40deuce vs. a big black dildo
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Posted:Oct 16, 2012 5:01 pm
Last Updated:Oct 20, 2012 3:16 pm
65601 Views
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The other day my lady friend mentioned to me that if I looked in her shower I'd see "a big black dildo" , I don't remember what preceded that but it was actually within the flow of the conversation . It got me thinking . First of all are their white dildos ? I've never seen one . Granted I haven't seen a ton of dildos in my life , but enough . What does that say about us as a society ? But more importantly , if someone had to choose between me and a big black dildo which way would they go ?
So what does a woman look for in a man (or sex toy) ? I have not clue . Zero . But thankfully the internets are full of sites that will tell me . Turns out that women want ;
Humor
I'd call bullshit on this because I know some pretty funny dudes who couldn't get laid in a humorous metaphor of some kind . But its on the internet so who I am to argue ? I said a couple funny things once . I think I did something back in '99 that was pretty funny too . But am I funnier than dildo ? They are inherent funny , but maybe I am . Am I funnier than a big black dildo ? No way . Making things bigger is always funnier . And black is the funniest color . You might think yellow is but its not , its black .
40Deuce 0
Big Black Dildo 1
Intelligence
Again this seems way wrong to me because I see 100% of hot ladies with morons , but you know , internet . Am I smarter than a big black dildo ? On the surface this seems like a no-brainer (literally) I mean I'm writing a blog post right now ; can a dildo do that ? (note to self , get the domain name to canadildodothat) No . Nor can it master the violin , play World of Warcraft until its eyes bleeds , punch a duck in the quacker or any of the other things I can do with my human brain . But then again , not being able to think means you don't think things that are dumb . I believe in chupacabra with all my heart . I believe voting matters . I believe people are not evil . All patently false things - so in that respect maybe a dildo is smarter right ? Its merely a difference of expectations maybe but the fact remains that the dildo never disappoints . Sure I can do very simple math in my head (which makes me Einstein compared to many) but on the other hand I paid money to see Cirque De Soliel (and not the one where they hump each other) .
40deuce 0
Big Black Dildo 2
Confidence
This one is going to be pretty lopsided . I have none . Period . Does the dildo ? I say yes . I've spent a lot of time looking at dildos in preparation for this and there's just something about that that bespeaks a certain air of authority . They know why they're there , you know why they're there "lets do this thing" they seem to be saying . If you can anthropomorphize a dildo (which I can) . Plus black is a confidence color . And what with the biggness and all ? Forget about it .
40deuce 0
Big Black Dildo 3
Emotional availability
What the shit does that even mean ? Emotions are dumb and should be hated . Just kidding , just trying to prove a point . I don't know why (actually I do) but I have a stone where my heart should be (malachite I believe) . At first blush this seems like a tie , but then again , a dildo won't jump out the window if you start crying (I did that once) or say "sweet Jesus why ?!" if you tell it you love it . Its willing to accept you just the way you are .
40deuce 0
Big Black Dildo 4
Common interests
Again this seems like BS to me , is there a man and woman in the world anywhere that have any common interests ? If you said yes you're a deluded fool (and smelly) . The only things men like are monster trucks and titties . All women like are scented douches and greeting cards . This is a fact . Dildos love greeting cards .
40deuce 0
Big black dildo 5
Its a clean sweep . I'm glad there's no reason anyone would ever have to choose - you can have me AND a huge jet dildo (at the same time if you're into it) yay !
So there's a "joke" that goes "what's green and slimy and smells like pork" and the punchline is "Kermit the frog's dick" . Which is weak ass , but "Kermit the frog's dick" is too good a punchline to be wasted . Come up with some set-ups for that that are funny . Thanks .
In other news today was bosses day apparently , which if you ask me should be a day you get to side kick your boss in the junk . I happened to be walking by when my co-workers gave our new boss a card and some flowers . She mistook me for part of the sycophant horde and tried to hug me (she's a hugger) . I put my hand out to stop her , as is my tradition (because don't touch me - malachite remember) and unlike most people she didn't draw back so basically I got to second base with my boss . Against my will . I should file a complaint (which would be funny because she got the job to sweep under the rug an incident where she was harassed) .
In other news I've decided now that I've fulfilled my goal of sleeping with all the members of my high school varsity girls basketball team (JV is for chumps) my new goal is going to be to sleep with all the pink power rangers . Goals are important I hear . So let me know if you have an "in" with ;
Melody Perkins
Patricia Ja Lee
Alison MacInnis
Christina Masterson
Erin Cahill
Catherine Sutherland
Valerie Vernon
Amy Jo Johnson (especially)
Alycia Purrot
Angie Diaz
Or if you just have a pink power ranger costume for some reason and want to get shaggy drop me a line .
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Fuckstarter
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Posted:Oct 13, 2012 7:12 am
Last Updated:Oct 16, 2012 4:12 pm
64115 Views
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People talk a lot about kickstarter these days - which is fine I suppose , its a good idea (and like most good ideas it was stolen) but I've reached the point in my life where I don't care about things like that anymore . In my youth I would have had a massive hard-on to help a dumb comic or a stupid videogame get made but I'm a crotchety (and crotchy) old man now , if you thing gets made fine , if not whatever . Get out of my face . BUT as you all know I'm an idea man . I'm always looking for new ways to make the world a better place . My latest (and greatest) plan is for a similar thing which I will imaginative call Fuckstarter .
It could be used in several ways . First you could post yourself as a project . People could pledge money for you to get plastic surgery or Lasik or a gym membership or what have you - whatever would make you more "attractive" . And of course their pledge would determine what sex act (if any lower levels could just be picture or some such) you will perform with them if you get fully funded . Speaking of which , I fully funded the shit out of some broad last night - if you know what I mean .
The other thing you could do is have a project of someone you wanted to have sex with and people could pledge money to help make that happen - for flowers and candy and nice clothes and drugs and the like (and a hitman to take care of the spouse if they're married - don't screw around with married people folks) and their level of would determine if they get pictures of you getting it with said "project" or a video or they get to hide in the closet and masturbate while you do it , whatever . Speaking of which one of my exs claims a friend of hers did that once while we had sex . Which I don't believe but even if its true I don't really care . I'm not sure what that says about me .
You could have people pledge for what you'll do on cam , pics they want to see , what object they want jammed in what orifice , it would be great for of course (where such things are legal only) the possibilities are limitless really .
Fuckstarter , make it happen people .
And now I have a question for you my 3 loyal readers . How do you organize an ethnically diverse orgy ? I was at an orgy the other day (for charity so don't get all bent out of shape) and I realized it was just a bunch of white people . That's shameful in this day and age right ? And looking back at it , it seems almost every orgy is all white or nearly so . I mean its like prime time TV in these orgies (zing !) . So , if I wanted to organize an orgy , how could I attract a more representative crowd ? Like I know that if Michael McDonald was going to be there that would bring in all the Koreans but that's it (plus we had a falling out some years back - don't ask) . How do I need to do you encourage people of color to attend my orgy ? Is there anything I can do to make them feel more comfortable in banging a bunch of strangers ? Or is the orgy just a tradition that doesn't translate well ? Help me out here people - I want to be more culturally sensitive in my orgy planning .
And finally , I've been thinking for a while my profile needs and overhaul - new picture definitely - but more importantly new wordy words ? Any thoughts ? Anyone want to write it for me ?
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If you want to have cities you've got to build roads
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Posted:Oct 10, 2012 5:55 pm
Last Updated:Oct 13, 2012 6:45 am
64339 Views
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As I mentioned a while ago my work wife and I got a divorce because she left me for another department – leaving me to struggle on all alone in the world . The yesterday we had lunch to catch up and have some quick anal , and I mentioned to her her that I was back in action on the sex front . I was talking to her about the sexee I'm sexxoring and she asked me “So do you like this chick ?”
I was puzzled .
“Of course I do” I replied , “I wouldn't have sex with someone I didn't like .”
She rolled her eyes at me and proceeded to tell me that was not “typical” dude behavior . Maybe that's true , but as I've said many times before I think the whole “guys will nail anything with a pulse” thing has been VASTLY exaggerated . It probably does seem that way though because obviously you're going to notice the shit heel who's all up in your business about his 17 inch cock a lot more than the 23 other dudes who aren't trying to you . So I kind of get where that comes from , but still . Come on people .
I then followed that up by saying “Although I probably wouldn't have sex with someone I loved .” It was her turn to be puzzled . Honestly though , if you love someone don't they deserve better ? Can't you just make them a nice cake to show your love ? Or just leave them alone for a while ? Most people in a serious relationship probably would like cake and/or alone time more than sex I think . At least some of the time . I just think if I really loved someone I would respect them too much to plaster my sweaty hair body against them . Maybe that's just me .
This is probably the kind of thing I should talk to my therapist about , but I don't . I was thinking today I never really bring up any of the “serious” issues that rattle around me brain . For instance , I think I'm turning into a Morlock . When I see an attractive person walking around I think to myself “I should be allowed to bash that person to bits with a claw hammer . Isn't that the deal ? I'm a hideous troll but ever now and then I get to stick it to the Eloi right ? I mean fair is fair .” That's probably the kind of thing I should be working on , not my sissy trust issues . Oh , and my soul crushing rage – probably that too . Dumb therapy , makes me so mad .
Speaking of which , I happen to sit in the general area of most of the pretty girls in my department and I'm come to the conclusion that it must be exhausting to be a sexy young lady . Even if they wanted to get work done (which don't get me wrong , they don't) it would be hard because of the constant stream of dudes wasting their time with worthless small talk . The kicker is most of them aren't even trying to hump them I don't think – they just want to talk to a pretty girl . But I mean even if you're a “bitch” and tell them “I can't talk right now , I have work I need to do” that's still 3-4 hours right there , just saying that 1,007 times . Maybe being Eloi isn't so great . But really it probably is .
Anyway , getting back to my work wife , she thinks every guy stares at her boobs . Which some do probably , but her boobs aren't THAT great – I doubt they attract nearly as much attention as she thinks they do . I'll grant you she does her best by showing a lot of cleave but she's complaining all out of proportion to the actual number of guys that ogle her I would estimate .
And finally , I leave you with a conversation from work . Seems dude A was trying to ditch his girlfriend but he wanted her to break up with him , so he asked dude B what he could do to make that happen . Dude B said “Next time you're getting intimate (I'm paraphrasing obviously , no dude would ever say that – I tried it once and the lady in question slapped me right in the face) go for the butt .”
I felt the need to interject . “What if she's into that ?” I queried .
Dude A looked at me as if I was the dumbest pile of dumbshit that ever dumbly formed a pile .
“If she was into that I wouldn't want her to break up with me brah .”
I weep for the future of this nation . Or I would if my therapist didn't say I was a soulless monster .
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40Deuce Chapter 13 - The Bloodening
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Posted:Oct 9, 2012 5:16 pm
Last Updated:Apr 16, 2013 6:48 pm
63491 Views
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I've been shaving my dumb face lately (because of all the female ejaculate you see - which clings to hair as we all know) and there's a large tumor on my chin that I often nick . Which leads to bleeding 7-8 liters of blood . Oftentimes I use said blood to write something on my shower wall . Something like "murder" or "die , die , die" or "I serve none by Korrok" things of that nature . I realized today that's probably not a good idea . If I die someone will probably see the whole message in blood thing and it will result in a lot of wasted man hours by the police department - and they don't have time for that shit even in Urbandale , IA .
Also if I learned anything from Homicide Life on the Street its that an unsolved murder case will result in the guy from Alien yelling at you .
This is a picture of a lady who got fired from a teaching job because years ago she posed for pictures like this . Which is a shame (probably , maybe she was a crummy teacher) but mostly all I can think is DAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMN .
The other day I watched a documentary (Broke) about how a massive number of professional athletes (they mostly talked about football and basketball) end up penniless within a couple years of retiring . It was pretty interesting but the thing that stuck with me the most had nothing to do with the premise of the show at all .
What struck me was the "fact" that the NFL has profits that far outstrip all other major sports leagues in American combined but NFL players have the lowest salaries . Part of it is just numbers I'm sure , 12 dudes on a basketball team vs 53 on a football team ; but still that seems weird to me . Of course maybe that's why the NFL is so profitable , they keep costs down . But still its hard to swallow that you make more in the NHL (when they're not locked out) than the NFL consider the NFL could buy the NHL a hundred times over (and then some) .
Furthermore , the NFL players have the shortest careers (about 3 years) and the most health problems afterwards . Makes me wonder why they even bother to some degree . But it also makes me wonder about myself . I love football . But its starting to get to the point where it makes me a little uneasy to watch . I stopped watching boxing because while I like it , I can't in good conscience participate in propping up something that really is barbaric . There aren't many pro boxer who retire in super great health . I just think as a society maybe we shouldn't allow these kinds of things - even if we like them .
I think this is probably the second most boring blog I've ever written .
This will liven things up a bit , according to the interwebs ;
If I was a superhero I'd be Supergirl . Kind of a bummer that I'm a girl , but I do like Supergirl a lot . She's much better than the Superman .
Bam ! Entertainment !
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Remember that time your wife came home with a boob job and she was suddenly into anal ?
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Posted:Oct 6, 2012 7:31 am
Last Updated:Oct 8, 2012 4:13 pm
63768 Views
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That's what I felt like Friday . My boss is gone , gone , gone ! Things are looking up for Ye Olde 40 Deuce . Not much , but still , baby steps as they say . But not only that , I got a great surprise on Friday too - the hot Asian chick is back ! Where did she go ? Why was she gone ? Why is she back ? I don't know and I don't care , all that matters is that she's back for my ogling pleasures . Welcome back hot Asian chick ! I've missed you .
What would the female equivalent of that ? Your husband comes home with . . . . what ? A extra tongue and a desire to listen ? Help me out ladies .
Its 8 AM Saturday morning - do you know what time it is ? Time for Marching Band Practice of course ! Not really , but the marching band at the school near my house does practice Saturday morning (I'm sure the drunks love that) and when I wake up it does sound like its come directly from the backyard of the who lives next to me . I like to pretend she and all her friends have a marching band . But they probably don't .
Fun fact , this first time I've looked for a picture of something crazy for my blog and came up with zilcho . Sexy marching band , naked marching band , lingerie marching band - nothing . The Internet must officially be full .
In other news I saw a penis drawn on a bridge abutment the other day . I was impressed because the vandal in question had included the meatus - which is pretty advanced stuff for a penis drawing fool if you ask me . Bravo sir (or madam but probably sir) .
In other other news - THIS is how you send a shipping update ;
"Your BBQ has been gently taken from our Pig of the Month smoker with sterilized contamination free gloves and placed onto a satin pillow to await shipment.
A team of 50 employees inspected your BBQ and vaccuum bagged and polished it to make sure it was in the best possible condition before mailing.
Our packing specialist from Japan lit a candle and a hush fell over the crowd as he put your BBQ into the finest Styrofoam-lined box that money can buy.
We all had a wonderful celebration afterwards and the whole party marched down the street to FedEx where the entire town of Dayton, Ohio waved Bon Voyage! to your package, on its way to you, in our private Pig of the Month jet on this day, 10/06/2012
I hope you had a wonderful time shopping at Pig of the Month BBQ. We sure did.
Your picture is on our wall as Customer of the Year.
We’re all exhausted but can’t wait for you to come back !!!
In case you get worried about your BBQ baby, your custom tracking number is . . ."
And finally , I've dropped below 30 watchers for the first time in a while . Does this mean its the beginning of the end for the Showroom of Compassion ? Yes , yes it does .
So long cruel world !
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Bad news ladies
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Posted:Oct 1, 2012 5:26 pm
Last Updated:Oct 6, 2012 7:01 am
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It turns out that you don't like clitoral orgasms . Not even a little . I wish someone had told me this sooner . I've spend literally hundreds , if not thousands , of hours licking and/or rubbing clits - and it was all a huge waste of time ! That's time I can't get back people . I know this because Marcus London told me . He's not only been in over 100 adult films , he's DIRECTED a couple , and he's english . So you know he's telling the truth . It turns out that women only like penetration . The clit or the tits or the asshole - don't waste your time . And here's the kicker , they don't even like penetration unless it lasts 47-64 minutes . So the bad news is I (and probably you) have never satisfied a woman , nota one time . Bummer right ?
This Marcus London fellow told a very sad story about how he lost of the love of his life because he couldn't please her sexually - on account of he wasted his time with oral and other non penetrative activities like a fool . But he's learned what women like - and its hardcore pounding right in the vag . And NOTHING else . Don't even think about trying anything else , you're a loser if you do - and even if the woman loves you she'll leave you . The good news is Mr. London is willing to share his secrets for fucking like a porn star with you for merely 139 dollars US . He's practically giving it away for Pete's sake ! I just thank got I found out when I did . So much wasted time .
The even worse news though is that I'm impotent now (which is going to save me 139 bucks but still) . First let me apologize , now that my 3 year sexless streak is over you're going to have to hear about me "on the job" from time to time . Sorry (although since I'm impotent now its already over) . So there I was , right in the middle of laying down some serious cock action ; "bringing the thunder" if you will ; when I decided to raise up a little bit to increase the angle of declination (we were "doing it" so we can both watch TV style which some Neanderthals call "doggie" style) . Once upon a time this was no big deal . Now that I am old and in the worst shape ever this sent shooting pains down the back of my thighs .
I don't know what that muscle is called . Hamstring is below the knee so I'll call it the roast beefstring . And instantaneously I went from diamond hard massive supercock to being as soft as Liberace at the Playboy mansion . It was starting . One moment I'm bringing the high hard one like a champ and in 2 nanoseconds I'm pushing rope . It was weird . Thankfully we had already done it like 60 times so it was okay , but my teammate in this endeavor (sex is all about teamwork people) tried to convince me that's a normal reaction to painful stimuli . Like if I'm laying the wood to some broad and some dude runs in and flash kicks me in the throat that means instant boner killer .
I don't buy it . I believe a much more likely scenario is that I am now impotent . Which is a bastard , but it happened DURING super hot sexy fun time - that's a double bastard . Why did this happen ? I don't know . Cosmic humor probably . I go FOREVER without sex and then when I get to have it again a couple times - WHAM ! Impotence . Good one God . By the way you know those commercials where they say "this is the face of erectile dysfunction" ? They're all wrong . THIS is the face of erectile dysfunction ;
"I said macchiato not mocha you dumb cunt ."
That's the first thing I heard this morning walking into work . I walk by the Pony Espresso (get it ?) you see . A woman said this to another human lady . And yet if I were to disaster kick her in the skull (as the scriptures say) I would be the one who goes to jail . That's democracy for you .
In other news did you know there are deputy whips ? I didn't . Each whip gets two deputy whips . I never had any interest in politics until now - I want to be deputy whip so bad I'd be hard if I wasn't impotent now .
One time on the TV they had two blind ladies driving around on bumper cars to see how long it would before they crashed . It was way longer than I thought it would be . Somehow I feel like that scene is a good metaphor for my life . I don't know why .
And finally , some dude who used to write for the Daily Show was talking about how back in the day Steven Colbert and Steve Carell used to be all smooth with the ladies - BUT one of them was all talk and one of them would always seal the deal . Which do you think was which ?
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The mastercock manifesto
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Posted:Sep 30, 2012 7:59 am
Last Updated:Oct 1, 2012 4:58 pm
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Even though its the main form of entertainment around these here parts I always feel slightly uneasy when the womenfolk post messages that get so everyone can laugh at them . Seems to cross a little bit a line to be but perhaps I'm being overly sensitive like the whiny baby I am . Nevertheless this unease doesn't stop me from enjoying them because I am what's know back east as a "hypocrite" .
Anyway , a lady who inexplicably wants to see naked pictures of me posted this [post 3010877] . Which I'll grant you , is funny stuff , but allow me to rise to the defense of Mr. Mastercock .
First of all , at least he's being polite . He does say "if so desired" . He's not one of these guys saying what is going to happen , just what he's willing to do - if you're into that sort of thing . I have to give me , I mean him , a couple points there .
Also he's willing to be flexible . Ass fucking is taboo to him but he's willing to drill your ass if you're into it . That's compromise right ? You have to give up some credit there too . He's a better man than me right there . The ladyfolk ask me to tie them up and other deviant nonsense all the time but I won't budge . Mastercock on the other hand is more than willing to break his taboo about ass fucking . IF you want him to . See , its all about you baby , the Mastercock just wants to make you happy .
Of course there's the alternative explanation that he doesn't know what the word taboo means , but lets ignore that slander . Or is it liable ? Whatever , ignore it .
Also there's something kind of poetic about the line ;
swat - paddle - whip your tits
This Mastercock fellow seems like he might be able to turn a phrase or two . I'm guessing despite his love of pulling hair and spanking her ass that at heart this fellow is a poet . A gentle soul really , who's into wild and rough fucking . But really if we're being honestly with ourselves who among us isn't into wild and rough fucking ? Think about it .
Is Mastercock a superhero ? Was he being serious ? The world may never know .
Speaking of superheroes I've figured out what my superpower is . I have the ability , in any large group , to end up sitting next to the douchiest douchtard out of all the douches in the group . I don't why I let me friends talk to me into interacting with the public at large still . When will I learn ?
And now , masturbation .
As you all know I only masturbate once a year on my birthday for research purposes . But since I have recently learned to stop worrying and love the blowjob (that's a Strangelove reference people !) I thought maybe I'd take a second look at "shaking the dew off the lily" as the say these days .
Sidenote - Porn parodies are getting pretty lazy these days , they just put "This isn't" at the beginning of the title or "XXX" at the end and call it good . Lazy bastards . At least the fine folks behind Naporneon Dynamite are still using their brains a little .
So I fired but Batman XXX and had myself a little time . I give the movie an A , I give the masturbation an incomplete - I got sucked into the story and didn't finish . My one complaint - why did Catwoman take her mask off ? That's the whole point . Stupid catwoman .
I have a married friend who always jokes with his wife about how much he jerks off . One time she walked in on him and was horrified - apparently she didn't believe him . They've been married for 10 years or so and he's been pounding it hardcore the whole time and telling her so right to her face but she didn't believe it . He told me know he has to be extra careful because if she walks in on him then she wants to have sex and he'd rather jerk it . That pretty much sums up marriage vis a vis sex right there .
Also while we're on the subject I've had a couple ladies tell me in my time that its a compliment when a man says he thinks about you when he's rubbing one out . Is that how most women feel ? I can't imagine that's a popular notion among the ladies . It just seems creepy to me . I guess it depends on the dude . Some guy walks up to you at the bus stop and says he thinks about you when he masturbates is probably a little different from your husband/boyfriend/whatever saying it .
This necessitates more research .
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Why didn't anyone tell me lemonade cake exists ?! WHY ?!
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Posted:Sep 27, 2012 5:01 pm
Last Updated:Oct 1, 2012 4:53 pm
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Its cake that tastes like lemonade - my whole life up until this today has been meaningless . So much wasted time . I want 35 birthday lemonade cakes retroactively . If you knew about the lemonade cakes and didn't tell me please send me your home address and a time it would be convenient for me to murder you in the most horrific way possible .
Thank you
Yo , ho , blow the man down . A jaunty sea shanty we all know right ? Like most jaunty old timely stuff the meaning behind it is awful (London bridge is fall down is about baby murder you know) . The "blow" they're talking about is a physical blow , as in , yo , ho , beat the everliving Christ out of that guy . And that guy in this case is a dude being press ganged into serving on a ship against his will - aka slavery . See the deal is , you'd get pissed , wake up on a ship in chains and then some other dude (the bosun) would let you you and ask you do to some nautically shippy stuff (he'd probably call you seaman too) and when you couldn't (because you have no clue what's going on) he'd kick you until you could do it (which was never really) . And then some day you'd be killed by pirates . Basically this is the modern day equivalent of "Moma said knock you out ."
I bring this up only to segue into talking about blowjobs . As long time readers of my blog (HA !) know I've never been a big fan . But things have changed somewhat . The other day I was making the acquaintance of a nice young lass - specifically my penis was making the acquaintance of her mouth . And for the first time ever in my life I had an "orgasm" from what Monica Lewinsky liked to call "mouth love" . I kind of get what all the fuss is about now . Don't get me wrong , if I had to choose one sex act for the rest of my life it would pounding vag (as my gran pappy used to say) but now I'd like a little oral tossed in the mix every now and then too .
I don't know what her secret is because I had a longtime girlfriend who was absolutely OBSESSED with trying to get me off that way and she could never do it . I assumed it was just a fluke , but she did repeat the performance so maybe there's something too this . This is a big relief because I always though the fact that ye olde cock sucking didn't do it for me meant that I was a control freak - which I have been accused of a couple times (wrongly of course) .
In other news , as long time readers (HA !) know I am a filthy racists . And while I lust mostly for Asian and Native Alaskan ladies , if I were ever to break the color barrier I would like to go for a black lady . This one hopefully ;
I did talk to a black lady a little on here who seemed willing to meet but she lived way across town and I was too lazy to drive that far . Which I think makes me a the laziest man alive that I'm not willing to drive across down for sex . Honestly I wish I didn't have to leave my house , but there is no search setting here for "inside my house" . Probably wouldn't get a lot of matches anyway . Also , does it annoy anyone else that 99,000% of interracial porn is black dudes and white chicks ? I'd like to see the inverse sometimes but that requires more patience to find than I normally have when I want to see porn .
Final racist thoughts - I wonder how many people have only had sex within their own "race" .
I see lots of women on here who "crave big black cock" somewhere there has to be women to crave little white cock right ?
The other day someone asked me why I keep one hand near my crotch most of the time and went so far as to crudely (and wrongly) accuse me of being one of those dudes who adjusts their balls all the time . The truth is I do that because I'm trying to stay ready for the day someone runs out of the nowhere and tries to punch me the crotch . I hope that never happens , but I have to be prepared in case it does . "Always be prepared" that's my motto . Seems crazy , I know , but I'm pretty sure one day when I was 13 and I was heading home I heard a dude say
"We might as well call it a night , its getting too dark for accurate dick punching ."
Also , emoticons are dumb , but I created a new one
E:
I haven't decided what it means yet but please start using it and let me know how people react .
Thank you (again)
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The eternal battle of good and evil has ended (spoiler alert)
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Posted:Sep 25, 2012 4:53 pm
Last Updated:Sep 26, 2012 4:04 pm
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Today began like any other day . I woke up to the cry of the neighborhood rooster . I got up , showered , eat breakfast , showered , beat the first 4 levels of Double Dragon , took another shower , had second breakfast , and then after a shower it was off to work .
I got to work and everything was normal . Whiny Girl was whining . Black Lung Pete was hacking up his intestines . Big Momma Fatso was blabbing the ear off Too Polite Big Boobs . Rude Big Boobs was making a personal phone call and talking way too loud . Rage-O the Clown was shouting at his wife on speaker phone . Shortballs #1 was sitting looking off into space like a circus animal . Shortballs #2 and Captain Charisma were porking on about the Packers-Seahawks game last night . Lady Skeletor was shaking a chihuahua . Normal stuff .
Around 10 AM when I had already done the work of 7-11 lesser men , the bigger boss called me into his dumb office . This was it (I thought to myself) they've finally worked up the balls to fire me . After doing a thorough weapons check to make sure I was ready for when security swooped in on me I went in and looked right in his stupid face .
"(my boss) is leaving the department ." He said to me .
I WIN !
Was the first , second , and third thing that ran through my mind . This fatty , fathead , fatso fat mother fatter (he's actually not fat at all) tried everything he could to get rid of me and now HE'S leaving .
I had an orgasm for the first time in my life - in my BRAIN .
I've said it before and I'll say it again , you cannot
CANNOT
defeat me unless you are prepared to sacrifice everything that you hold dear to do it . Everything . I'm not unbeatable , not but a long shot , but I will never , ever , never , ever , nurver , urver , give up . I am the stone that the builder refused . I am the evidence . I am the greatest man that ever lived (sorry Rivers Cuomo) . I am the feather that shatters the axe . I am the leaf that sits unmoved by the hurricane . I am rubber , you are glue .
Is this the greatest day of my life ? No . But its pretty good . Not as good as if my FORMER boss was hit my a meteor but still pretty good .
Sure my refrigerator is still humming . Sure there's still a crack in my ceiling . Sure I can hear my neighbor getting plowed by two dudes who look like they're in high school . Sure my life has no meaning and its empty and barren . But none of that matters right now please he's gone and I'm still standing .
Granted my new boss will probably be just as stupid , abusive & annoying (and ugly as hell too most likely) but that's in the future . I'll blast that problem in the ass when it gets here . Ass blaster style .
You may congratulate me on my victorious slaughter .
In honor of my great triumph I will enjoy this picture for 37 seconds ;
And . . . . . done !
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Since no one watches women's golf apparently
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Posted:Sep 24, 2012 6:18 am
Last Updated:Sep 25, 2012 4:25 pm
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This is what I was talking about . Which is even funnier if you buy that old rumor about lady golfers and their sexual proclivities .
Cheerios !
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To link to this blog (40Deuce) use [blog 40Deuce] in your messages.
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